About love

A friend asked me to participate in a gift she wished to give her sisters.  It was to give my thoughts or advice about life.  The request had me think of so many things and then I saw a central idea emerge, the idea from which so much growth has sprung for me.  It is about love. 

For most of my life, love lived as something to be shown by others, something I got  and needed from others.  That’s not such an unusual response–from we are small children, we do and act in certain ways to gain the attention (of approval) of our parents or caregivers, the people we depended on for every thing.  And then we sometimes get stuck in this need, looking for it outside ourselves and doing whatever it takes to have the experience of love. 

For me, the need for approval (love) existed in many of my relationships but I felt the impact of this neediness most deeply in romantic relationships.  In this area of my life, so much of my focus was on needing to be shown I was loved, I was in a constant state of longing and yearning.  When this was the governing context of my life, I often suppressed my opinions preferring to go with the flow, not wanting to “topple the applecart,”  not wanting to risk being rejected by the object of my affection at the time. 

I made decisions to be in romantic relationships so I would feel there was someone there who loved me.  I did things (nothing illegal mind you) such as partnering with unavailable people for example or not questioning a person’s actions or not expressing my displeasure about a troubling experience–all emotionally lethal since they chipped away at my self-esteem.

Then finally, with this pattern of history repeating, I came to an emotional crossroad.  I was tired of this pattern and frustrated that all the self-improvement courses and workshops I had done weren’t working on me.  In that conversation, I realized I was totally focused on the outside situation (like I was as a child) and not on my inner world.  With this shift in attention, came my liberation.  I needed to love myself.  I needed to care about myself as much as I cared about another person.  I had heard this before but I actually heard it this time.  I was ready to hear it in a way that I could begin to apply this message consciously. 

How did I grow to love myself? 

It has been a process which began with several practices:  I started a gratitude journal, where I wrote the kinds of things I was thankful for each day (living in the city, having friends, a delicious cup of coffee, being healthy, having a career I enjoyed, and so on); I took “me-time” in the form of quiet time each day, nature walks, visits to the ocean, breaks in the middle of the day for tea or coffee, soothing baths, massages, pedicures; I planned activities with friends;  I put together a bucket list (things to do before I die).  In the process I was rebuilding the relationship with myself and understanding what I enjoyed and appreciated about life.  This doesn’t mean that I never get down on or have doubts about myself  but with these practices, I am cultivating  feelings of self-love in the same way that an exercise practice strengthens and firms the body.

I am eternally grateful I now experience love within me and through my relationships and experiences rather than because of my relationships and experiences.

A much-needed conversation

Update: On Thursday, 16th July 2009, Professor Henry Gates, Jr. was arrested in his home, an apparent case of racial profiling. Just more evidence of the need for an authentic conversation about race. Gates’ daughter shared her father’s view in her column, My Daddy, the Jailbird.

As I followed the Sotomayor supreme court justice confirmation process, I was struck by several undercurrent, or rather, blatantly overt messages during and after the hearings.  Here are a few:

• The explicit racist observations made by several members of the Judiciary Committee (especially Senators Sessions, McConnell, Graham) as they tried to paint Judge Sotomayor as someone whose decisions, over a 17-year career, were based on ‘Latina’ activism; or
• Laying the ‘reverse discrimination’ decision about the New Haven, CT firefighters solely in her lap rather than the Appellate body (you’d think Judge Sotomayor was the only Appellate judge!), or
• Pat Buchanan’s rant about how unfair it was that Judge Sotomayor was given an opportunity to obtain an Ivy League education over some other qualified white person (hey Pat, affirmative action only opens doors otherwise not open to women, non-whites.  What you do with it is quite another and Sotomayor excelled!); or 
• The sexist comments about temperament, mostly associated with women of power but rarely broached with respect to men.

Which is the most intriguing theme?  I’m going to have to punt on this one since each stopped me in my tracks!

But, as stunned as I was to hear these views expressed so openly, I can’t help but acknowledge that these issues need to be discussed out loud.  According to US Census Bureau projections, Hispanic has been and will continue as the fastest growing population segment in the United States.  So, with a fair degree of certainty I say this, diversity in the United States is a reality that is here to stay.

On another note, a friend recently listed himself as ‘human out of Africa’ in a census form.  I know it’s naive of me but I do imagine a day when human will be the only racial designation.  What a cool dream!