A Visit to Long Beach

Today I am in Long Beach with my friend.  On this day before the first day of Spring, the temperature is perfect—the ideal blend of a cool, steady breeze against my skin balanced with the warming sensation of the sun!

We begin our walk on the Long Beach boardwalk.  As I observe the people, the beach, the water, I am excited about making my way to the sand.  It is just as I said while in Jamaica—I’d like to make walks on the beach a part of my daily life.  Today I get to live that intention; it’s more than a walk, it’s connecting with that inner beat that is my spirit, my soul, my inspiration. 

Long Beach is roughly 60 minutes from Manhattan by railway and this is my first trip—a mere 36 years since making New York my home. Along our walk are the remnants of last week’s Nor’easter including a wooden, trellis-like contraption (now visible due to the storm-induced beach erosion) that seems to stretch from the boardwalk to the rock formation at the edge of the beach. 

A flock of birds gathers at our feet; some glide on to the beach to perfect landings; still others soar like Jonathan Livingston Seagull.  From time to time as the water rinses the beach, we adjust our walking path just a little bit.  We neither resist nor complain when our sneakers get a little wet, we go with the flow of the ocean—an attitude I’ve learned is just as applicable to life.

While we commune with the birds, we appreciate the rocks that sparkle after the incoming waves drench them.  We speak very little, allowing each other to experience the rhythm of the ocean.  I am so drawn to the water—whether it’s the ocean or the sea.  I can feel it in me whether I am in it, walking alongside it or thinking about it.  This connection reminds me of what President Kennedy spoke of in a speech he delivered at the America Cup races in Newport, Rhode Island in September 1962:

I really don’t know why it is that all of us are so committed to the sea, except I think it’s because in addition to the fact that the sea changes, and the light changes, and ships change, it’s because we all came from the sea. And it is an interesting biological fact that all of us have, in our veins the exact same percentage of salt in our blood that exists in the ocean, and, therefore, we have salt in our blood, in our sweat, in our tears. We are tied to the ocean. And when we go back to the sea — whether it is to sail or to watch it — we are going back from whence we came.

Being away … an experience of gratitude!

I’ve always prided myself on taking time out of my routine to take care of myself—whether it’s long walks, sitting in the park, having a cup of coffee or tea at a favorite spot, relaxing baths, traveling for fun, beauty treatments or meditating/going into the silence each day.  What I hadn’t done in recent years was to simply get away without an agenda, to vacate the familiar surroundings of home and environs to a place where I’d just be…not sight-seeing, not diving, not doing anything in particular, just relaxing, just being.  Well, as life would have it, I planned a trip to Jamaica with very little scheduled except for daily sea dips, peaceful surroundings, all my favorite foods and visits to my aunt, uncle and brand new nephew.  What started out as a birthday getaway ended up being one of my favorite trips ever—I connected with myself and in the process with all the beauty that is nature, the unexpected, friends and family. 

Each day began with walking on the beach with my Dad where my barefeet connected with the sand (as a friend describes it, nature’s loofah) and I sought to avoid the pebbles or occasional seashells which would cause momentary discomfort.  All the while I noticed the day dawning ever so gently yet deliberately as the moon waned each day.  In fact, today, my last day of this nourishing trip, it was a crescent.  {Congratulations to NoLa, the crescent city, on being 2010 SuperBowl Champions.}  Dad and I talked about whatever was there to be shared in the moment and sometimes we said nothing as we briskly walked side-by-side.  

The sea brought its own mood to the day—sometimes peaceful and serene, sometimes excited and playful.  Whatever showed up, I soon merged with the sea (or as I think of it, nature’s swimming pool) which was as soothing as a freshly drawn, warm bath.  As I cooled down from my energetic walk, I felt the sea enveloping my body as the sun caressed my skin.  I rode the frolicking waves, swam to the buoys, came close to skinny dipping, floated and beheld the blue cloudless sky.  It is a perfect way to begin the day.  It got me thinking, ‘how could I create such a beginning to each day?’

Leaving the seaside, I would take the short walk to our villa where the smells of breakfast wafted through the air—mackerel & banana, ackee & codfish with Johnny cakes, freshly caught fish, breadfruit are just some of the meals that were thoughtfully prepared and enthusiastically consumed.   Each day brought its own specialness yet the spirit and tone was the same—peaceful, relaxing, nurturing, caring.  From the first day I realized the importance of truly getting away, truly being away, where time is inconsequential and life is lived moment-to-moment.  I even felt compelled to do a Facebook update, something I very rarely do: Sometimes you don’t know how much you need a vacation until you’re on one!  Now, don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade the trips I’ve taken to France or Italy or Spain—there’s definitely a place for those experiences.  And, there’s no denying what I experienced on my Jamaican sojourn.  I re-discovered the value of being away—the value to my body, mind & spirit.  Now that is some delicious food for my soul.  Thanks Henry.  Thanks Nikki.  Thanks Helen & Vincent.  Thanks Andrea & Emmett.  Thanks Joy & Beverly.  Thanks Desmond.  Thanks Old Forte Bay.  Thanks Jamaica.

Being friends

Not a day goes by without a conscious thought of gratitude for friends–some have come and gone; all have had an impact in one way or another and have shaped my views of what being friends is all about for me.

As a pre-teen, I had a best friend. We did almost everything together and shared whatever secrets nine and ten year olds have. When we started high school, our relationship took a devastating turn when she met a guy and fell in love.  Naturally she began spending time with him which left me feeling so upset.  In my naive, selfish mind I was so angry and jealous of the attention she was giving her boyfriend (and not giving me) and despite her every effort to include me in her life, I kept her at a distance. I was cold and aloof in our interactions.  Being ‘best’ friends meant I should come first for her just as she came first for me.  When these expectations were not met, I felt hurt and reacted in ways I am not proud of.  I regret being mean to her in so many little ways.  I now know that my reaction was borne out of the loss I felt as I was no longer her best friend.  She had a new best friend and that was her boyfriend.  I wished things had remained the same with us but I didn’t know anything about the impermanence of life or the power of acceptance.  In hindsight, I wish I had the awareness to share this joyous event with her and be a part of her life.  But, I didn’t.  My myopic view of friendship got in the way and our relationship didn’t survive.   From that experience I made a decision–I no longer wanted a ‘best’ friend!

Recently I had a conversation about the difference between being friends and being a special friend. Having lived the experience, I understood the sentiment of specialness.  This conversation brought me to a realization: each person in my life, with whom I choose to spend my time and share myself is special. What makes each relationship special comes from, what I refer to as, the place we enter. While there is a great deal of overlap in terms of what I share with my friends, the focus of what and when we share is unique to each friend. And, therein lies the specialness.

Whether the topic is love, politics, philosophy, sports, passions, feelings, family–I appreciate their distinct perspectives.  The fact that no two interactions between friends are the same is what brings the specialness to being friends.  The bottom line:  I value each and every one of my friends with my whole being.

Say what you need to say …

This is the tune on my mobile.  It’s a John Mayer song, one of my favorites.  John’s an incredible musician.  A friend noticed the irony of  having this as my ring tone–but I digress.  This week I had some other thoughts about this sentiment.  I’ve been working with a couple of people I admire and enjoy working with.  They are pretty cool people and the projects are inspiring, exciting and fulfilling.  Sometimes things go exactly as expected and sometimes not.  It’s how we adjust to the “sometimes not” experiences that I’ve been thinking about today.  When things don’t go according to plan as they did today, I used to try and ignore, avoid or even pretend them away.  The only thing was this–the energy I spent avoiding, ignoring, pretending was pretty exhausting.  Not to mention, these strategies don’t do much good anyway since the situation is a fact. Ignoring it doesn’t change that.  But, in recent years, I’ve found that facing these experiences is the only way to take charge of things and, as a close friend reminds me often, it’s a way to take responsibility for how things are going in my life.  Let me be clear, this does not affect what is happening (which often is out of our control) … life happens.  But, I am in charge of how I respond to the events of life.  That means stepping up to the plate, accepting where I might have mis-stepped or how I might not have asked for/acknowledged what I needed in the moment. 

When I found myself in these situations in the past, I would close myself off and not deal with what I was feeling.  I just used to shut down and feel badly about it. 

Nowadays, I recognize I cannot change what happened and at the same time, I can step up, make amends through acknowledging and recommiting to doing whatever it takes to make a positive shift.  This is true whether we are talking about an exercise regimen, what we eat, starting a new venture, cleaning up our homes, paying bills, or any unfinished task that’s hanging precipitously over our heads.  The list of things we say we want or need to do is endless.  Spending time worrying about something that has passed does little to change the facts.  A little acknowledgement goes a long way to turning the page on the less than desirable events in our lives–be it 10, 20 or 30 years ago or as recent as this morning!

De-Mystifying Anti-Oxidants

Today I received this article that says it all so clearly, I had to share it.  Thanks DMFCom3.

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Antioxidants to the rescue

Published: Tuesday | September 29, 2009

Oxidation occurs naturally. A slice of apple or peeled banana turns brown. Fish easily spoils. A cut on your skin gets inflamed. Iron exposed to the air rusts and discolours.

This also happens to the cells in our bodies. Progressive oxidation is a major reason why our bodies age.

We literally rust away. Oxidation is quite different from another very healthy process called oxygenation.

FREE RADICALS

Oxidation is due to special chemicals called free radicals. Free radicals are oxidants that damage our cells by oxidation. We cannot totally avoid free radicals damage as we age. Hardening of the arteries, cataracts in the eyes and wrinkling of the skin are all examples of free radical damage.

Free radicals arise from sources inside and outside our bodies. Normally, our cells produce a small quantity of free radicals, much like a car engine that emits fumes. Those free radicals are generally not a big problem as they are normally controlled by the antioxidants that the body naturally produces.

On the other hand, external free radicals form in large quantities from environmental factors such as poor diet, pollution, radiation, smoking and alcohol. It is hard for the body’s defences to cope with them.

ANTIOXIDANTS

Antioxidants help your body protect itself from the damage of oxidation due to free radicals. Your body produces antioxidants like glutathione and superoxide dismutase.

Mother Nature provides antioxidants in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, nuts, and legumes. Unfortunately, modern diet is lacking in antioxidants.

THE ACES

The main dietary antioxidants are, what I call the ACES.

Vitamin A: found in yellow, orange and green foods like carrots, sweet potatoes, pumpkin, cantaloupes, papaya, apricots, mangoes, callaloo, broccoli, and other greens. These protect us from cancers and infections.

Vitamin C: This abounds in all citrus fruits, cherries, guavas, apples, sweet peppers, berries, and other fruits. It protects us from pollution, cancer and infections and is essential for tissue growth and repair.

Vitamin E: This is a blend of several fat-soluble substances — the tocopherols and tocotrienols. They are found in cereals, grains, nuts, seeds, dark leafy vegetables, and non-hydrogenated vegetable oils. They protect against cancer but also improves heart and circulatory function, stabilises blood pressure, promotes healing and reduces abnormal clotting of blood. Synthetic vitamin E is largely ineffective.

SELENIUM: This mineral is found in yeast, Brazil nuts, grains, broccoli and some meats. It protects the immune system from free radicals, wards off viral infections like HIV and inhibits tumour formation. Many important enzymes in the immune system are selenium dependent.

USE ANTIOXIDANT WISELY

Diet first: Before focusing on supplements, have an antioxidant rich diet. Seven or more servings of vegetables and fruit daily along with some whole grains and nuts provide a good start.

Don’t overcook: High temperatures destroy many antioxidants. Try having fresh fruits and some raw vegetables. Tomatoes are an exception. You absorb more of the antioxidant lycopene from cooked tomatoes than from raw ones. Fresh vegetables juices are excellent sources of antioxidants.

Mix them up: Antioxidants work best in combinations. Choose supplements that provide a range of antioxidants.

Mega-dosing: High doses of antioxidants, particularly the ACES, may be extremely useful in treating a number of common medical problems. These therapies should be best done under the supervision of a health practitioner trained in nutritional medicine.

Think long-term: Avoid the quick fix, short term mentality. Defending your body against damage from excess free radicals is a life-long imperative, particularly since we live in an increasingly toxic and stressful environment. Consider making a long-term commitment to an antioxidant rich diet and antioxidant supplementation.

You may email Dr Tony Vendryes at vendryes@mac.com or listen to An Ounce of Prevention on POWER 106FM on Fridays at 8:00 pm. The programme streams live on the Internet.

The God Question

Today I came across some inspiration served up by Arthur Ashe.  I don’t know for sure but I am going to guess it was in response to a question surrounding his AIDS diagnosis and how this squared with his views about God.  Arthur put it this way, If I were to say, “God, why me?” about the bad things, then I should have said, “God, why me?” about the good things that happened in my life. 

This speaks to something I have been exploring for most of my life — at the earlier stages indirectly and in later years more consciously.  We hear it often in sports –” God was with my team today or on my side”: as part of the victory celebration or acknowledgement.  Or, if a tragedy is averted, ”Thank God we didn’t get hit by a storm or hurricane or (insert any other negative outcome).  God was with us.”  These statements lead me to wonder.  What about the locations that got hit by the storm?  What about the team that lost?  What about the child born without limbs?  What about …?  You get the picture.

This brings me to another common occurrence. 

I get emails about Jesus and the power of prayer in the matter of one set of outcomes over another — as if God or Jesus brings about certain circumstances and not others.  And, if you are Christian or think of Jesus as Lord or some other religious dogma, there is a kind of expectation of preferential treatment or a certain assignment of a particular outcome as the effect of preference. 

Well, what of people who experience other than outcomes that appear better or good?  What power is at work there?

In the last 20 years or so, actually since high school (some 40 years ago), I have had this sense of power being just that – impersonal energy.  Not a power for one type of believer over another; not a power that glorifies one set of outcomes or experiences over another.  Experiences occur – we may draw them to us by the consciousness we live in.  For example, if our context for living is, “life sucks,” then we might think an event is “horrific, the worst thing ever.”  If, on the other hand, we see life’s events as an opportunity, we might ask the question, “what could I be grateful for or learn from this?”  

Experiences are life.  Every situation is life, everyone is life.  Life just is — whatever the form it takes.  To hold that a certain set of circumstances or events come one way or another to one person not another because we do something like have the Christ model or the Jesus model of religion is to lose the sense of oneness that is everything. 

In my way of looking at it, Jesus represents humanity and what is possible.  Christ represents the spirit, intuition, the energy within – that energy which guides us here or there, to do this or that.  In other cultures and views there are other source metaphors.  No better, no worse. 

I choose to see myself as other than a label.  But, if pressed, I see myself as a non-believer – not accepting of any religious dogma.  I don’t know what was before the beginning of life and subscribe to the theory of evolution.  I don’t know what follows death and sense there is a union with source in death as we no longer have bodies or physical limitations.  But, who knows for sure!

In the end, that knowledge requires practical application — the ultimate practice: death of the physical body.  And, each of us will know it sooner or later.

Sicily will wait

So here’s the scenario.  You have a trip planned for months.  As the days approach for the big vacation getaway, you are excited about the idea of it and you don’t have any freedom about going–no sense of ease, joy and anticipation! 

That’s the position I found myself in a few weeks ago.  I couldn’t quite figure out what was going on.  And then it dawned on me.  In the midst of all the vacation planning I hadn’t taken into consideration the commitments I had made to myself such as completing the manuscript for the book I am working on with my creating partner and business building as part of my commitment to financial sobriety.  With this in mind, I passed on Sicily and chose my commitments. 

What I have discovered in recent months is this — when needs collide, my commitments provide me access to freedom!  For sure, going to Sicily with friends would be fun but there is no freedom and joy in avoiding my commitments.  That was the source of the missing freedom and true joy about my upcoming trip.

Ever wonder why we don’t always follow through on our commitments?  Maybe it’s not big enough to inspire us along the way.

About love

A friend asked me to participate in a gift she wished to give her sisters.  It was to give my thoughts or advice about life.  The request had me think of so many things and then I saw a central idea emerge, the idea from which so much growth has sprung for me.  It is about love. 

For most of my life, love lived as something to be shown by others, something I got  and needed from others.  That’s not such an unusual response–from we are small children, we do and act in certain ways to gain the attention (of approval) of our parents or caregivers, the people we depended on for every thing.  And then we sometimes get stuck in this need, looking for it outside ourselves and doing whatever it takes to have the experience of love. 

For me, the need for approval (love) existed in many of my relationships but I felt the impact of this neediness most deeply in romantic relationships.  In this area of my life, so much of my focus was on needing to be shown I was loved, I was in a constant state of longing and yearning.  When this was the governing context of my life, I often suppressed my opinions preferring to go with the flow, not wanting to “topple the applecart,”  not wanting to risk being rejected by the object of my affection at the time. 

I made decisions to be in romantic relationships so I would feel there was someone there who loved me.  I did things (nothing illegal mind you) such as partnering with unavailable people for example or not questioning a person’s actions or not expressing my displeasure about a troubling experience–all emotionally lethal since they chipped away at my self-esteem.

Then finally, with this pattern of history repeating, I came to an emotional crossroad.  I was tired of this pattern and frustrated that all the self-improvement courses and workshops I had done weren’t working on me.  In that conversation, I realized I was totally focused on the outside situation (like I was as a child) and not on my inner world.  With this shift in attention, came my liberation.  I needed to love myself.  I needed to care about myself as much as I cared about another person.  I had heard this before but I actually heard it this time.  I was ready to hear it in a way that I could begin to apply this message consciously. 

How did I grow to love myself? 

It has been a process which began with several practices:  I started a gratitude journal, where I wrote the kinds of things I was thankful for each day (living in the city, having friends, a delicious cup of coffee, being healthy, having a career I enjoyed, and so on); I took “me-time” in the form of quiet time each day, nature walks, visits to the ocean, breaks in the middle of the day for tea or coffee, soothing baths, massages, pedicures; I planned activities with friends;  I put together a bucket list (things to do before I die).  In the process I was rebuilding the relationship with myself and understanding what I enjoyed and appreciated about life.  This doesn’t mean that I never get down on or have doubts about myself  but with these practices, I am cultivating  feelings of self-love in the same way that an exercise practice strengthens and firms the body.

I am eternally grateful I now experience love within me and through my relationships and experiences rather than because of my relationships and experiences.

A much-needed conversation

Update: On Thursday, 16th July 2009, Professor Henry Gates, Jr. was arrested in his home, an apparent case of racial profiling. Just more evidence of the need for an authentic conversation about race. Gates’ daughter shared her father’s view in her column, My Daddy, the Jailbird.

As I followed the Sotomayor supreme court justice confirmation process, I was struck by several undercurrent, or rather, blatantly overt messages during and after the hearings.  Here are a few:

• The explicit racist observations made by several members of the Judiciary Committee (especially Senators Sessions, McConnell, Graham) as they tried to paint Judge Sotomayor as someone whose decisions, over a 17-year career, were based on ‘Latina’ activism; or
• Laying the ‘reverse discrimination’ decision about the New Haven, CT firefighters solely in her lap rather than the Appellate body (you’d think Judge Sotomayor was the only Appellate judge!), or
• Pat Buchanan’s rant about how unfair it was that Judge Sotomayor was given an opportunity to obtain an Ivy League education over some other qualified white person (hey Pat, affirmative action only opens doors otherwise not open to women, non-whites.  What you do with it is quite another and Sotomayor excelled!); or 
• The sexist comments about temperament, mostly associated with women of power but rarely broached with respect to men.

Which is the most intriguing theme?  I’m going to have to punt on this one since each stopped me in my tracks!

But, as stunned as I was to hear these views expressed so openly, I can’t help but acknowledge that these issues need to be discussed out loud.  According to US Census Bureau projections, Hispanic has been and will continue as the fastest growing population segment in the United States.  So, with a fair degree of certainty I say this, diversity in the United States is a reality that is here to stay.

On another note, a friend recently listed himself as ‘human out of Africa’ in a census form.  I know it’s naive of me but I do imagine a day when human will be the only racial designation.  What a cool dream!

Life Lessons

Sometimes I receive an email that is so spot on it’s food for my soul and I want to share it with the world. Yesterday, one of my dearest friends sent it to me and I am paying it forward.

The less you associate with some people, the more your life will improve. Any time you tolerate mediocrity in others, it increases your mediocrity. An important attribute in successful people is their impatience with negative thinking and negative acting people. As you grow, your associates will change. Some of your friends will not want you to go on. They will want you to stay where they are. Friends that don’t help you climb will want you to crawl. Your friends will stretch your vision or choke your dream. Those that don’t increase you will eventually decrease you.

Consider this:

Never receive counsel from unproductive people. Never discuss your problems with someone incapable of contributing to the solution, because those who never succeed themselves are always first to tell you how. Not everyone has a right to speak into your life. You are certain to get the worst of the bargain when you exchange ideas with the wrong person. Don’t follow anyone who’s not going anywhere.

With some people you spend an evening: with others you invest it. Be careful where you stop to inquire for directions along the road of life. Wise is the person who fortifies his life with the right friendships. If you run with wolves, you will learn how to howl. But, if you associate with eagles, you will learn how to soar to great heights.

“A mirror reflects a man’s face, but what he is really like is shown by the kind of friends he chooses.”

The simple but true fact of life is that you become like those with whom you closely associate – for the good and the bad.

Be not mistaken. This is applicable to family as well as friends. Yes…do love, appreciate and be thankful for your family, for they will always be your family no matter what. Just know that they are human first and though they are family to you, they may be a friend to someone else and will fit somewhere in the criteria above.

“In prosperity our friends know us. In adversity we know our friends.”

“Never make someone a priority when you are only an option for them.”

“If you are going to achieve excellence in big things, you develop the habit in little matters. Excellence is not an exception, it is a prevailing attitude.”